The Bredlow Family Blog

Yeah, we really are this crazy.

We will never own a Roomba. September 7, 2016

Filed under: Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 4:54 pm

Picked the dog up from the vet where he was boarded and groomed over Labor Day weekend.  Now, I love our vet staff and their groomers do an amazing job. I am now realizing that a certain asshat of a dog loves them too, so much so that he’s making it painfully clear he’d rather live his life there than here and to be honest, I’m totally on board with his plan.  In fact, I’ll drive him there right now, pajamas on and all.

Let me set the stage: Tyler and I picked him up last night. Came home, had dinner, fed the freakishly cute yet newly shaved dog, let him out, cleaned up the kitchen, took the trash out, let the gigantic dalmatian wannabe out again because hey, better safe than sorry is our mantra, and off to a peaceful slumber for all.

Occasionally the dog needs to go out in the middle of the night.

He wears a chain collar that is so damn annoying I wake up pissed off some mornings because I hear him all night long.  That collar is also the indicator that he needs to go out. He is an expert at making so much noise with it that even the critters outside are pecking at the house and pounding on the door asking us to shut him the hell up.

He didn’t make a peep last night. Certainly it was because he was just so excited to be back in his house, with his people, with his bed, with a relaxed asshole…did I mention he was SILENT last night.

Queue Bruce getting up for work well before the sun is up.  Bless his heart, he did what he could. He put the shit covered dog bed outside, attempted to clean up a spot or two, and shot me a text forewarning me of the situation downstairs.

This is a smell no one can ignore. I made it roughly two feet outside the bedroom door when I was hit with the pungent stank of a thousand freshly laid shit piles. Inside I was crying like a baby, fetal position, kicking, screaming, wailing fits and all. On the outside I sighed, cursed more than necessary, told the shit generator my true feelings of him at the moment and put him outside praying out loud that somehow he’d be hit and killed by traffic in the confines of my fenced in backyard.

I hauled the crap covered rug outside and set it next to the shit laden dog bed.

I stood by the back door and assessed the situation: this one calls for at least three rolls of paper towels, a bottle of carpet cleaner, the Spotbot, two trash bags, and a hell of a lot of air freshener. There was shit on the dog bed, shit on the rug, shit on the cowhide, shit from the back door down the hallway, through the living room, and into the sunroom where a shit fest awaited me.  It was like a thousand tiny toddlers with diarrhea had a party in our house.

There is a silver lining in all of this: he missed shitting on the air intake vent by mere fractions of an inch. Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus!!

 

 

This is why we will never own a Roomba.

 

Doppelganger March 7, 2016

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 11:17 pm

Today I met Bruce at the pharmacy. I’ll admit, I was shamelessly using his active duty in uniform status to move to the front of the pharmacy line. In the land of military healthcare it’s almost a requirement if you want to be in and out of there in under an hour.

While we were sitting there patiently (ok, I was impatiently waiting) waiting for our number to be called a lady walked in.  She glanced around the room and smiled at me. Then waved. Then looked to see how long the line was to get a number before shifting her attention back to me. She smiled again and then said loud enough for me to hear across the room “Are you ok?”

You know me, I smiled and waved back and said “Yep!”

She got her number and then she turned around and walked directly over to me. She stood in front of me, smiled again, and bent down and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she asked again, sounding concerned “Are you feeling ok?”

It was about now that she released my hug and really looked at me.  Then she stepped back with a perplexed look on her face which rapidly turned to shock and perhaps a twinge of horror. It was then that she realized she had no idea who on earth I was. None.

She stood upright and briskly walked away and sat completely out of view from us. Then Bruce asked “who was that?”

“I have no idea.” was my response.

He looked at me and said “seriously?” Then laughed and asked again “You really don’t know who that is?”

“Nope. I’ve never seen her before. She smells good though.” was my response.

Obviously I look like someone else and not in a good way. She was very concerned that I wasn’t well. Granted my hair was a hot mess and I wasn’t wearing makeup, but I didn’t think I looked that bad.  Apparently I do.

IMG_2803

 

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream Because my Phone Sucks. January 21, 2015

Filed under: Totally Random Stuff,Travel Ramblings — bredlowfamily @ 7:33 am

Why do you password protect your iPhone? I do mine because I have a certain child that likes to take it, change the background images to selfies of himself making random silly faces, and then fill my camera roll with the aforementioned random silly faces thus rendering my storage capacity full and locking me out of my phone until I plug it into a computer to dump the images and free up a bit of storage.  Did I mention the certain child is quite keen at figuring out what my code is, no matter how random it might be (well, except for the instance below).  I also lock this darn thing for the unlikely chance it falls into the wrong hands. Rather, into hands that do not live under the same roof as me.  Which brings us to my present predicament.

 

Should you change your iPhone password in haste while only half paying attention because you were talking to your spouse, arguing with the child that is the cause of the hasty code change, attempting to get two others to move out of the way of the other customers, eyeballing the lady behind you in line because she is clearly judging  you for purchasing that extra comfortable men’s sweater for yourself, wondering why you didn’t grab those fresh oranges because they looked so darn delicious, randomly saying “move over there” and “I said no” to the kids, realizing you didn’t buy any wine on this trip, wondering if you have time to grab some, and emptying a bag of goodies at the register of a very crowded Italian store on a Sunday evening (when all the locals shop) while on holiday in the south of Italy is a surefire way to end up in one heck of a predicament.

Also, know that saying to yourself “oh that is a catchy number combination” while doing the above listed things and then swiftly shoving your newly passworded phone into your purse while shifting gears to the actual task at hand is not the proper way to ensure you recall the number sequence you entered into your phone not more than 30 seconds earlier.

Less than five minutes later in the comfort of the passenger seat of the car, I drew a complete blank.  All I knew was that I thought it was a catchy number combination, it started with nine, and ended on the top row of numbers.  Seriously, that was it.

Making matters worse was I had to borrow my nine-year olds phone.  I went to use it and it was password protected.  Two days later and I am now able to get into my phone….my newly restored to factory settings and 100% erased. It’s like a new phone in my demon filled phone’s body….. I’m not even done attempting to set it back up and it’s already being a pain in the ass.  Yep, this is my phone alright.  Bummer, I was hoping it would have magically transformed itself into an iPhone 6 with thumb reader.   Yes I know they are massive but after this joy filled experience I could care less.

I lied.

It’s not like a new phone in my old phone’s body. It is exactly like my old phone.  Turn it on, it erases itself. Walk through the process again and get it set up. It erases itself.  Curse at it. It erases itself.

I have beaten it on the back of the couch, no progress.

Where is the wine?

And the power just went out……

 

I Woke Up With Wings! October 7, 2014

Filed under: The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 5:11 am
Tags: ,

hello-im-back-again

Did you miss me? 🙂

I’ve had a case of the blog blahs.  My kids constantly tell me to get with the program and update it already.   😉

My kids are a humorous bunch of crazies, if I do say so myself.  I’m not entirely certain where all the crazy stems from; however, I am fairly confident it comes from a word that starts with M and ends with OM. 😉

This welcome back to blogging post is brought to you by T2.  This is a story he wrote for school, he already has next weeks story planned out.  I love this kid!  Okay, here goes the fun (this is transcribed directly from his journal, no editing on my part. Well, with the exception of the images):

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I woke up and looked out the window.  Officer Wesley was staring at me with wide-eyed horror.  I turned around and heard the window shatter. I felt a different form of energy, I felt as if I could fly.

“Son!” Called my mom.

“What?” I called.

“You broke a window?!” Called my mom.

“Coming!”

I ran downstairs. When mom saw me she passed out. I got Officer Wesley called the hospital then said I had wings. Moving-animated-gif-picture-dragon-flapping-wings He took me to an open field then said to try flying.  I tried and actually flew! He said to pick up an abandoned car, and I did.  Officer Wesley said to drop it and it landed on his police car.

“Oops!” I said.

He was so angry he pulled out his pistol from his holster and tried shooting me.  He missed. I flew away. I was extremely depressed. The ones I loved most are now gone. I flew to Texas and remembered the reason I woke up with wings.

It was a lab experiment gone wrong. I mixed pineapple juice with acid and accidentally burned myself.  Then I passed out. I woke up in my bed and had wings. That’s how this all happened.

So I made the same formula. I got a volunteer to try the mixture on. He got burnt, passed out, then woke up with wings.

flamebreathing

I gave my formula to the government.  i told the governor that if you burn yourself you would pass out then wake up with wings.  He seemed fascinated.

Next thing I knew I was famous.

I tried apple juice and acid. I burnt myself, but didn’t pass out.  Instead, I didn’t have wings; but there was one problem…I was a T-Rex!

Moving-picture-trex-walking-animated-gif

 

The little jokesters strike again… January 21, 2014

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 10:15 am

Life in our house is always a little different unique silly odd crazy humorous.  It is so crazy here at times I am a little uncertain as to whether or not I should admit us all into an asylum, or if we are in an asylum and I haven’t yet come to that realization on my own.  Should I be concerned?  If our family was followed by a film crew and we were instant reality TV stars, you would find our show on Comedy Central.

The latest rage in our house is Yo Mama jokes.  I have absolutely no idea where it all started, I only know that it started upon our move to Italy.  Somewhere outside the asylum, that place our kids refer to as home.  And quite frankly, who doesn’t love a good Yo Mama joke?

It isn’t fair for us to keep this insane amount of humor all bottled up inside our house.  We are busting at the seams with jokes and before you know it there will be a laughter explosion pouring forth from the walls of our house.  Brace yourselves, it is about to get silly up in here!

Consider this your personal collection of the best of the best relatively clean Yo Mama jokes.  If you know my kids, picture T2 telling you these as he is the lead Yo Mama jokester in the house.

Let’s start with a few Yo Mama so dumb and/or stupid and/or both jokes….

Yo Mama so dumb she spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice because it said concentrate. (think about that…..)

Yo Mama so dumb she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

Yo Mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

Yo Mama so stupid that when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

Yo Mama so dumb she went to the dentist for a blue tooth.

Yo Mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew. (I bet she crushed it!)

Yo Mama so stupid the only reason she opened her email is she heard it contained SPAM.

Yo Mama so stupid she went to a Clippers game for a haircut.

I mean honestly? Who can’t laugh at those?  But, in case you are butt hurt because I offended you with my  relatively tame set of jokes you should probably close this browser window now.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Don’t come crying to me when I touch a nerve with this next series of Yo Mama jokes.  It’s not my fault if you think we tell jokes that poke fun of you and your own mother (or mother-in-law).  It is entirely coincidental and knowing some people take these personally only makes them that much funnier to me.  😉

Onward we go with the jokes!  I’m just going to group these last few into one category.  The Fat and Old category!

Yo Mama so fat she was arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack!  (ok, seriously, how can you NOT laugh at that?)

Yo Mama so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.  (bwahahahahaha!!)

Yo Mama so fat she was zoned for commercial development.

Yo Mama so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome home party.

Yo Mama so fat that she comes at you from all directions. (I can picture this and it is funny)

Yo Mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo Mama so fat she was born on the 4th, 5th, and 6th of July.

Yo Mama so fat that her belly button got home 15 minutes before she did. (now that is a lot of woman)

Yo Mama so fat that when she walked in front of the TV I missed three episodes of Breaking Bad. (ok, we don’t watch TV so insert your favorite series in place of that one.)

Yo Mama so fat her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has a sweater.  (picture that in your mind…nasty)

Yo Mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

I know there are a million other Yo Mama jokes out there, some not so appropriate for children (and most adults).  But these are the ones that get my kids going and once they get started they can not stop.  For real, they can not stop.  We go from quiet evening meal to all out giggle fits in about three seconds flat. On slow days.

I have; however, saved the best one for last.  This is my all time favorite one and it is sure to get you laughing, as if the other jokes I posted weren’t enough.  And if they weren’t enough you should consider seeking medical attention to determine whether or not laugh box is broken.  It’s kind of like a voice box, only funnier.  If you go seek medical attention for your laugh box please let me know.  I need to know whose name to put in place of Yo Mama on all the Yo Mama so stupid and dumb jokes…..

Here is the number one Yo Mama joke in our house:

Yo Mama so ugly she scared the crap out of the toilet.   (no offense mom…or Marlene 😉 )

 

It starts with F, and ends with U-C-K. October 10, 2013

Filed under: The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 5:36 am

It is pitch black in our hotel room, with the exception of the dull glow from my laptop screen and the bathroom light.  Oh, and the street light coming in through the window and the hall light shining under our door………so I guess it’s not really pitch black in here after all.  Hmmm……I’ll try that opening line again seeing as I’m making myself out to be a liar and all.

It was a dark and stormy night on the eve of Thursday.  The temperature had already fallen ten points and was hovering around a brisk 18 degrees.  Celsius people, celsius.  The energy zapping, volatile beasts that can make blood boil faster than if it were near the surface of the sun, were already nestled into their hide-a-beds and were rapidly recharging their energy stores in order to drive me one step closer to the nut-house in the morning, in a kind of sort of super darkish hotel room.

Agh…silence.  Finally there is peace in our room and I can feel the frustration slip away.

“a;lfdhga  alslkghaghe” mumbles Tyler.

“What?” said Bruce.

“Sure honey.” I said to Tyler. “Oh, he’s just talking in his sleep again.” I said to Bruce.  Silence again.

“Did you put Rosco there?!” Trey said sounding a bit freaked out.

I looked up and the cat was sitting on the couch cushion, which was placed at the foot of Trey’s hide-a-bed, staring at Trey.  The light shining from the window making his eyes glow.  Oh nice one Rosco, freaking the kid out.  I like your style!!  For those that don’t know, Rosco is a black cat.  He’s like a ninja.   “Nope. He jumped up there on his own.” I said to Trey, who just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Aside from now lying perpendicular  to the way he initially started about twenty minutes ago, Trygg has been the quietest.  Soon he’ll even have his feet in Trey’s face.  The beauty in this is that they’ll wake up fighting over who hogged the bed.  Good times.

This is how the day ended. We skidded into it sideways, out of breath, and totally beat down.  In other words, just like every other day…..with the exception of a few hours earlier when we were all in the car.  The kids were clearly bored out of their minds and feigning interest in hanging out with me and Bruce.  As parents, we could care less if they were interested in hanging with us or not.  The fact of the matter is, we said so. End of story.

They had been fighting like cats and dogs, cowboys and indians, cops and robbers, Dorothy and the Wicked Witch……you get the picture.  We had tried to reason with them and they were not having it.  So, having our Parents of the Year award to live up to and all, we ignored them.

They sat in the back seat of our Volkswagen Golf, shoulder to shoulder and knee to knee (because the car isn’t that wide) singing.  That’s right. Singing.  It was Trey that broke into song first. Tyler quickly jumped in when he heard the song choice.  As soon as Trygg was done with his laugh attack he joined in.  All three of them in the backseat of the VW Golf singing as if they were the Boys Choir performing before the Queen.  It was loud.  It was in tune.  It was in harmony.  It was HORRENDOUS.  Well, not at first.  The first few times it was funny. Hysterical actually.  But after ten, maybe twenty minutes, I was no longer interested. In fact, I was praying they’d all suddenly lose their ability to speak.  Unanswered prayers folks…unanswered prayers.

Check out this YouTube video for the song they were singing.  Oh, and THEY WERE MIMICKING THE VOICES of the original song.

Now, image listening to that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.  Trey even pretended he was the orchestra in the background while the other two sang….then they took turns doing the SpongeBob part.  Trygg can mimic Plankton the best. I shouldn’t know that.

I was starting to feel the urge to either join them in song, or to laugh until I cried.  I just wasn’t sure which was going to happen first.  I fear the joyous ridiculousness of the lyrics was starting to overtake me.  Was I losing it?  Don’t join in again….yes I said again.  I joined in to correct the error in their rendition of what Plankton sings.  Crazy fool, I know.

Mid FUN song concert number 8.2 million Trey says:  “Hey mom.  Hey mom!!  Guess what my favorite word is??  I starts with F and ends with U-C-K….”

As the blood inside me rapidly boils, the steam begins ejecting from my ears, and the laser beams start powering up in my eyes I make eye contact with Bruce.  Who, surprisingly, has managed to remain totally unaffected during this whole singing ensemble.  The instant “what did he just say” look combined with the “I’m going to smack him” look registered on both of our faces.  And just when I turned my head to look into the back seat at Trey where I was literally milliseconds away from unleashing a whole new world of hurt on him he shouts: “FIRETRUCK!”

Firetruck.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

 

In love! August 7, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife — bredlowfamily @ 7:37 am
Tags: , , ,

I just felt like creating a blog from my new laptop.  No other reason than that folks.

I have been wanting, begging for a Mac for a very long time.  Long as in YEARS!!!  So imagine how excited I was when Bruce gave me a brand spanking new MacBook Pro when he redeployed.  I nearly cried.  True story.

All in all this baby is FANFREAKINGTASTIC.

That is all.