The Bredlow Family Blog

Yeah, we really are this crazy.

I Woke Up With Wings! October 7, 2014

Filed under: The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 5:11 am
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hello-im-back-again

Did you miss me? ūüôā

I’ve had a case of the blog blahs. ¬†My kids constantly tell me to get with the program and update it already. ¬† ūüėČ

My kids are a humorous bunch of crazies, if I do say so myself. ¬†I’m not entirely certain where all the crazy stems from; however, I am fairly confident it comes from a word that starts with M and ends with OM. ūüėČ

This welcome back to blogging post is brought to you by T2.  This is a story he wrote for school, he already has next weeks story planned out.  I love this kid!  Okay, here goes the fun (this is transcribed directly from his journal, no editing on my part. Well, with the exception of the images):

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I woke up and looked out the window.  Officer Wesley was staring at me with wide-eyed horror.  I turned around and heard the window shatter. I felt a different form of energy, I felt as if I could fly.

“Son!” Called my mom.

“What?” I called.

“You broke a window?!” Called my mom.

“Coming!”

I ran downstairs. When mom saw me she passed out. I got Officer Wesley called the hospital then said I had wings. Moving-animated-gif-picture-dragon-flapping-wings He took me to an open field then said to try flying.  I tried and actually flew! He said to pick up an abandoned car, and I did.  Officer Wesley said to drop it and it landed on his police car.

“Oops!” I said.

He was so angry he pulled out his pistol from his holster and tried shooting me.  He missed. I flew away. I was extremely depressed. The ones I loved most are now gone. I flew to Texas and remembered the reason I woke up with wings.

It was a lab experiment gone wrong. I mixed pineapple juice with acid and accidentally burned myself. ¬†Then I passed out. I woke up in my bed and had wings. That’s how this all happened.

So I made the same formula. I got a volunteer to try the mixture on. He got burnt, passed out, then woke up with wings.

flamebreathing

I gave my formula to the government.  i told the governor that if you burn yourself you would pass out then wake up with wings.  He seemed fascinated.

Next thing I knew I was famous.

I tried apple juice and acid. I burnt myself, but didn’t pass out. ¬†Instead, I didn’t have wings; but there was one problem…I was a T-Rex!

Moving-picture-trex-walking-animated-gif

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The little jokesters strike again… January 21, 2014

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 10:15 am

Life in our house is always a little¬†different unique silly odd crazy humorous. ¬†It is so crazy here at times I am a little uncertain as to whether or not I should admit us all into an asylum, or if we are in an asylum and I haven’t yet come to that realization on my own. ¬†Should I be concerned? ¬†If our family was followed by a film crew and we were instant reality TV stars, you would find our show on Comedy Central.

The latest rage in our house is Yo Mama jokes. ¬†I have absolutely no idea where it all started, I only know that it started upon our move to Italy. ¬†Somewhere outside the asylum, that place our kids refer to as home. ¬†And quite frankly, who doesn’t love a good Yo Mama joke?

It isn’t fair for us to keep this insane amount of humor all bottled up inside our house. ¬†We are busting at the seams with jokes and before you know it there will be a laughter explosion pouring forth from the walls of our house. ¬†Brace yourselves, it is about to get silly up in here!

Consider this your personal collection of the best of the best relatively clean Yo Mama jokes.  If you know my kids, picture T2 telling you these as he is the lead Yo Mama jokester in the house.

Let’s start with a few Yo Mama so dumb and/or stupid and/or both jokes‚Ķ.

Yo Mama so dumb she spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice because it said concentrate. (think about that…..)

Yo Mama so dumb she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

Yo Mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

Yo Mama so stupid that when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

Yo Mama so dumb she went to the dentist for a blue tooth.

Yo Mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew. (I bet she crushed it!)

Yo Mama so stupid the only reason she opened her email is she heard it contained SPAM.

Yo Mama so stupid she went to a Clippers game for a haircut.

I mean honestly? Who can’t laugh at those? ¬†But, in case you are butt hurt because I offended you with my ¬†relatively tame set of jokes you should probably close this browser window now. ¬†Don’t say I didn’t warn you. ¬†Don’t come crying to me when I touch a nerve with this next series of Yo Mama jokes. ¬†It’s not my fault if you think we tell jokes that poke fun of you and your own mother (or mother-in-law). ¬†It is entirely coincidental and knowing some people take these personally only makes them that much funnier to me. ¬†ūüėČ

Onward we go with the jokes! ¬†I’m just going to group these last few into one category. ¬†The Fat and Old category!

Yo Mama so fat she was arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack!  (ok, seriously, how can you NOT laugh at that?)

Yo Mama so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.  (bwahahahahaha!!)

Yo Mama so fat she was zoned for commercial development.

Yo Mama so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome home party.

Yo Mama so fat that she comes at you from all directions. (I can picture this and it is funny)

Yo Mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo Mama so fat she was born on the 4th, 5th, and 6th of July.

Yo Mama so fat that her belly button got home 15 minutes before she did. (now that is a lot of woman)

Yo Mama so fat that when she walked in front of the TV I missed three episodes of Breaking Bad. (ok, we don’t watch TV so insert your favorite series in place of that one.)

Yo Mama so fat her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has a sweater. ¬†(picture that in your mind‚Ķnasty)

Yo Mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

I know there are a million other Yo Mama jokes out there, some not so appropriate for children (and most adults).  But these are the ones that get my kids going and once they get started they can not stop.  For real, they can not stop.  We go from quiet evening meal to all out giggle fits in about three seconds flat. On slow days.

I have; however, saved the best one for last. ¬†This is my all time favorite one and it is sure to get you laughing, as if the other jokes I posted weren’t enough. ¬†And if they weren’t enough you should consider seeking medical attention to determine whether or not laugh box is broken. ¬†It’s kind of like a voice box, only funnier. ¬†If you go seek medical attention for your laugh box please let me know. ¬†I need to know whose name to put in place of Yo Mama on all the Yo Mama so stupid and dumb jokes‚Ķ..

Here is the number one Yo Mama joke in our house:

Yo Mama so ugly she scared the crap out of the toilet. ¬† (no offense mom‚Ķor Marlene ūüėČ )

 

It starts with F, and ends with U-C-K. October 10, 2013

Filed under: The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 5:36 am

It is pitch black in our hotel room, with the exception of the dull glow from my laptop screen and the bathroom light. ¬†Oh, and the street light coming in through the window and the hall light shining under our door………so I guess it’s not really pitch black in here after all. ¬†Hmmm……I’ll try that opening line again seeing as I’m making myself out to be a liar and all.

It was a dark and stormy night on the eve of Thursday.  The temperature had already fallen ten points and was hovering around a brisk 18 degrees.  Celsius people, celsius.  The energy zapping, volatile beasts that can make blood boil faster than if it were near the surface of the sun, were already nestled into their hide-a-beds and were rapidly recharging their energy stores in order to drive me one step closer to the nut-house in the morning, in a kind of sort of super darkish hotel room.

Agh…silence. ¬†Finally there is peace in our room and I can feel the frustration slip away.

“a;lfdhga ¬†alslkghaghe” mumbles Tyler.

“What?” said Bruce.

“Sure honey.” I said to Tyler. “Oh, he’s just talking in his sleep again.” I said to Bruce. ¬†Silence again.

“Did you put Rosco there?!” Trey said sounding a bit freaked out.

I looked up and the cat was sitting on the couch cushion, which was placed at the foot of Trey’s hide-a-bed, staring at Trey. ¬†The light shining from the window making his eyes glow. ¬†Oh nice one Rosco, freaking the kid out. ¬†I like your style!! ¬†For those that don’t know, Rosco is a black cat. ¬†He’s like a ninja. ¬† “Nope. He jumped up there on his own.” I said to Trey, who just rolled over and went back to sleep.

Aside from now lying perpendicular ¬†to the way he initially started about twenty minutes ago, Trygg has been the quietest. ¬†Soon he’ll even have his feet in Trey’s face. ¬†The beauty in this is that they’ll wake up fighting over who hogged the bed. ¬†Good times.

This is how the day ended. We skidded into it sideways, out of breath, and totally beat down. ¬†In other words, just like every other day…..with the exception of a few hours earlier when we were all in the car. ¬†The kids were clearly bored out of their minds and feigning interest in hanging out with me and Bruce. ¬†As parents, we could care less if they were interested in hanging with us or not. ¬†The fact of the matter is, we said so. End of story.

They had been fighting like cats and dogs, cowboys and indians, cops and robbers, Dorothy and the Wicked Witch……you get the picture. ¬†We had tried to reason with them and they were not having it. ¬†So, having our Parents of the Year award to live up to and all, we ignored them.

They sat in the back seat of our Volkswagen Golf, shoulder to shoulder and knee to knee (because the car isn’t that wide) singing. ¬†That’s right. Singing. ¬†It was Trey that broke into song first. Tyler quickly jumped in when he heard the song choice. ¬†As soon as Trygg was done with his laugh attack he joined in. ¬†All three of them in the backseat of the VW Golf singing as if they were the Boys Choir performing before the Queen. ¬†It was loud. ¬†It was in tune. ¬†It was in harmony. ¬†It was HORRENDOUS. ¬†Well, not at first. ¬†The first few times it was funny. Hysterical actually. ¬†But after ten, maybe twenty minutes, I was no longer interested. In fact, I was praying they’d all suddenly lose their ability to speak. ¬†Unanswered prayers folks…unanswered prayers.

Check out this YouTube video for the song they were singing.  Oh, and THEY WERE MIMICKING THE VOICES of the original song.

Now, image listening to that over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. ¬†Trey even pretended he was the orchestra in the background while the other two sang….then they took turns doing the SpongeBob part. ¬†Trygg can mimic Plankton the best. I shouldn’t know that.

I was starting to feel the urge to either join them in song, or to laugh until I cried. ¬†I just wasn’t sure which was going to happen first. ¬†I fear the joyous ridiculousness of the lyrics was starting to overtake me. ¬†Was I losing it? ¬†Don’t join in again….yes I said again. ¬†I joined in to correct the error in their rendition of what Plankton sings. ¬†Crazy fool, I know.

Mid FUN song concert number 8.2 million Trey says: ¬†“Hey mom. ¬†Hey mom!! ¬†Guess what my favorite word is?? ¬†I starts with F and ends with U-C-K….”

As the blood inside me rapidly boils, the steam begins ejecting from my ears, and the laser beams start powering up in my eyes I make eye contact with Bruce. ¬†Who, surprisingly, has managed to remain totally unaffected during this whole singing ensemble. ¬†The instant “what did he just say” look combined with the “I’m going to smack him” look registered on both of our faces. ¬†And just when I turned my head to look into the back seat at Trey where I was literally milliseconds away from unleashing a whole new world of hurt on him he shouts: “FIRETRUCK!”

Firetruck.

Story of my life.

Story of my life.

 

Oops, did I forget to mention those were hot? November 14, 2012

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 3:32 pm
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I’ve been researching Bedazzlers.¬† I’m not going to lie, they have one heck of a catchy slogan.¬† Who wants to be amazing when you can ‘Be Dazzling?’¬† I now want to glitz and glam everything.¬† Sort of like this:

Um…you missed a spot there on your bottle….and your sweater…and your post it note…and your picture, and your…..

How fun would it be to glam up the cookie jar though.¬† Talk about bringing a ‘pop’ to the kitchen.¬† Folks would stop over and look around with that “hmm….something is different in here but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is…” kind of look on their faces.¬† When, in all actuality, they could put their finger on a bedazzled cookie jar.¬† Speaking of cookie jars…..Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!

Last night I decided to make my signature spicy pretzels.  Ok, truth be told it is not my signature recipe.  Details, details.  It is my mothers (woot, woot! Shout out to my mom for the stellar recipe!).

In the kitchen I have these two plastic bear jars that used to house animal cookies.  Once the kids devoured those I simply washed the container instead of recycling it.  This is important because my kids associate these bear containers with family friendly snacks that they can snack on without asking me first, for the most part.  There are times when the iron fist comes down and crushes their snack time dreams into thin air like a freight train running over an ant, but this is not that time.

One of the containers sat empty on the counter for a few days (purely coincidental).¬† I washed it out and left it to air dry while I was at the grocery, and thereafter two bags of pretzels sat unopened on the counter next to it.¬† Since dinner was cooking no one bothered to ask for a snack because they instinctively knew I would say no (one of those times open snacking from the bear is not allowed).¬† After the evening ‘complain the entire time about how much you don’t want to eat what I’ve prepared for you’ meal was complete and the ‘cry and throw a hissy fit while acting like a complete moron’ dishes were cleared I made the nightly ‘throw a royal fit and act like you need a beating from a prison guard to get yourself together’ decision that it was bedtime.¬† If you didn’t already know, that fun-filled announcement went over like a lead balloon.

Kid #3 is showered and in his bed reading so I make my way downstairs to light a fire under kid #1 and 2.¬† Note to self…need more fire starters.¬† Must buy in bulk next time.¬† So I get them into bed, rather, mostly into bed.¬† I do have one that seems to think he can circumvent the rules because he’s the oldest. Oh shoot, I just gave him away.¬† I’ve resolved to ignoring it and will let him suffer in the morning.¬† Today he was informed that if he misses the bus and is late for school again¬† he’s riding his bike to school.¬† It was 10 degrees for him this morning at the bus stop.¬† Let’s hope he’s not riding his bike in that.¬† Reason being: he told two of his friends (in front of me) that he was late for school because I moved to slow in the morning and it caused him to be late.¬† I’m sorry…did you say it was me that had a bus to catch or you? I digress….

Kids are in bed, they’ve prayed, and somehow #3 has snuck into my room and is racked out sideways in my bed.¬† Ugh.¬† Event he cat looks annoyed.¬† But that’s okay.¬† I have a plan.

Back in the kitchen I decided to make the spicy pretzels.¬† I enjoy them and they would be an excellent snack at the end of a cold day while my kids are asleep so I didn’t have to share them.¬† ūüôā¬† Mix, mix, mix, bake, bake, bake, stir, stir, stir, bake, bake, bake, more stirring, sampling, screw it good enough I’m eating them.¬† And viola…spicy pretzels fresh from the oven and not a soul around to pester me (other than the dog and cat).¬† Mmm, mmm, mmm!

After I get the kitchen all cleaned up and realize it’s almost one am it strikes me that I need a place to store the pretzels.¬† I can’t leave them out overnight or the dog and cat will eat them (sneaky little guys).¬† Hmmm…..they are still too hot for a ziplock bag…where should I store these?¬† I thought about sticking the pan in the oven but it was still hot, don’t want to burn the deliciousness.¬† Then it hits me!
Ah-ha!

I just cleaned the cookie jar!¬† It is perfect.¬† I carefully pour the pretzels into the jar, clean up the pan, screw the lid on the jar, open it again and sneak one last handful, close it again, and head to bed.¬†¬† Then it hits me.¬† I just put the SPICY PRETZELS into the kids free reign snack jar.¬† What’s a mother to do?¬† I text Bruce no doubt.¬† His advice: experiential learning.¬† I love that man.¬† With that I am out cold.¬† Sleeping peacefully in my super awesome Tempurpedic with polar fleece sheets and one very unwelcome seven-year old bed hog.¬† I hope he finds the pretzels first.

 

Mmmmm….Spicy Pretzels!

Fast forward through the dream stages and we are now chowing down on cereal the next morning.¬† We, as in, Trygg.¬† Trey is still downstairs moving at the speed of an Icelandic glacier in the winter.¬† Then it happened.¬† I was grinning from ear to ear and if it was possible to be grinning bigger than that I was.¬† I mean, this is one of those moments that melted my insides like a good love scene does to some people in the movies.¬† Even now I can’t help but grin.¬† Maybe even chuckle a little.¬† Okay, a lot.

All I heard was Trygg saying: “Oh I love pretzels.”¬† Didn’t register at that moment for me.¬† Nope.¬† I just carried on with making sure his backpack was ready to rock and roll while shouting threatening words of encouragement down to Trey.¬† Such is the normal routine at our house in the morning.¬† I can¬† have them up an hour before the bus or ten minutes before the bus.¬† It doesn’t matter, these two knuckleheads will still be racing out the door at the last-minute.

Then I hear Trygg in the kitchen again.¬† “I love these pretzels mom.”¬† Wait for it…he’s inhaling them because you know he has to get as many in as he can before school. Keep waiting…….”Oh!!¬† These BURN my throat all the way into my stomach!!!”¬† He screams!¬† Then says:¬† “They are so good.”¬† “Oh, they burn.”¬† “Mom, these are good.”¬† “What is wrong with these pretzels they burn mom?” “But they are so good mom.”
Is he sweating?¬† I’m not sure.¬† All I know is that I used a lot of cayenne pepper last night.¬† ūüėČ

 

 

 

 

 

There’s always one…. March 21, 2012

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 11:11 pm
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You’ve heard the saying: “there’s one in every family.”¬† If you haven’t, well, now you can thank me for introducing you to this novel concept.¬† The premise is that there is someone in every family that does something crazy, great, idiotic, funny, dumb, illegal, etc; hence the reason they say there’s one in every family.¬† It’s kind of like the six degrees of separation.¬† You know, the belief that you are somehow connected or linked to someone you don’t know by six connections, or degrees.

Whatever, you’re not reading this for a scholarly lesson – and if you were then I question your upbringing as I rarely have anything worth a scholarly look in here.¬† Police investigation…well, that might warrant a second look….but scholars…unlikely.

As a parent I want my kids to be known as “the one!”¬† Not the one that gets in trouble for doing drugs, or the one that cheated on a test.¬† No, I want them to be known as the smart one, the cute one, the great athlete, the one with the amazing mom.¬† I really feel like these aren’t lofty dreams to have for them either.¬†¬†¬† Think of it like this:¬† when you were dating your spouse how did you know that they were “the one?”¬† How will girls know when my boys are “the one” for them?

For the most part the boys are on the up and up in this area.¬† When Trey was little I was known as “Trey’s mom.” That’s not a good thing to be known as.¬† I prefer to be known as Heidi, but for many years no one knew that’s what my name was.¬† No, instead I was Trey’s mom.¬† We moved from one state to another and I thought, “Finally!¬† Freedom from this label.¬† When we arrive I will be me again!”¬† Then I thought, “Free at last, free at last.¬† Thank God I am free at last!!!”¬† Yeah, that didn’t last long.¬† Darn kid.¬† I was still known as Trey’s mom in our new state too.¬† Why is this you might ask?¬† Well, it is because he was “the one.”¬† The one that cried like a baby whenever left alone, the one that screamed bloody murder when I dropped him off at school.¬† For 45 minutes straight.¬† Every day.¬† For a YEAR!!¬† I was so glad to move again three years later and finally get my identity back.

The kids have done really well keeping it together.¬† No more labeling them as “the one.”

That is….until yesterday.

I have one.¬† Actually, I have THE ONE.¬† You know, that kid you don’t want your kids hanging around because they clearly have no moral values (OH MY GOSH!!!¬† I am raising our future president!!!!).¬† Or that kid with no boundaries and self dignity.¬† Yeah, I have that one.¬† I have the one you go home and tell your family about, and not in a good way.¬† He’s the one that gets used as the example for what not to do for years to come…yes faithful readers, I have the one.¬† No, make that THE ONE.

Yes, I have the child that mooned his entire first grade class for no reason.

Awesome.¬† How on earth do you discipline that?¬† I want to laugh hysterically because that my friends, is funny (and I know which parent he gets this talent from).¬† Well, it’s funny to me; it wasn’t so funny to his teacher.¬† ūüėČ

I sent him to school this morning and asked him to leave his pants on.  Does every household have to have that conversation before school or is it just mine?

 

I don’t think it’s on the ceiling. March 18, 2012

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 1:06 am
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So there I was….showing Tyler how to friend me in the Smurfs game on his iPad.¬† It was serious business.¬† This kid is just as competitive as I am…even when it comes to the Smurfs.

Tyler had just finished coloring the parachute on one of his Army toys with a big nuke symbol (makes a momma proud) and was waiting for the marker to dry.¬† I figured this was as good of a time as any.¬† While we talked across the room Trey and Trygg decided it was their turn to color parachutes.¬† Trygg headed over to the bar and Trey the coffee table.¬† I foresaw trouble here so I made sure Trey had something under his parachute that could handle the marker….Bruce’s dry erase board was perfect.¬† ūüôā

Things seemed so peaceful for a moment because no one was shouting or screaming or fighting.¬† I could almost hear birds chirping and angels singing….almost.¬† That’s when I noticed Trey and Trygg spinning in circles with sharpies in their hands.

“Knock it off boys.” I said.¬† “You’re going to hurt yourself if you trip and fall.”¬† They put a momentary hold on the spinning fun and went back to what they were doing.¬† I excused myself from the scene to go survey the damage down the hallway – they had just showered and that never meant a pleasant scene in the bathroom.

As I am calling for Tyler to come clean the mountain of toothpaste squirted onto the floor in front of the toilet the other two numbskulls were starting to fight.

“Stop fighting!” I shouted down the hall.¬† No response…not even from Tyler, the last one to use the bathroom.

Into the family room I stroll.¬† Trey and Trygg aren’t spinning anymore, that’s a surprise.¬† Tyler is engrossed in the game on his iPad and totally unaware of the nonsense unfolding before him.¬† They had stopped spinning, just like I asked.¬† Instead, they were holding the markers and flicking them at each other like they were magic wands.¬† Really boys?¬† Really???¬† In grandiose mom fashion I stopped all the fun.¬† ūüôā

“Pick up boys it’s time for bed.¬† We have church in the morning.”¬† I said.¬† Shockingly; and I do mean shockingly, they did it.¬† Birds were starting to chirp again….so close to achieving peace and balance in the universe I could almost taste it.

I get the kids in bed, they pray, lights go off, I clean the cat litter, and the filter on the dehumidifier.¬† While I’m kneeling on the ground vacuuming the filter I notice the carpet, our light tan or sand colored carpet, has black speckles on it.¬† “That’s odd.” I thought.¬† I scratched at one to see if it was a bunch of black fuzz or dirt or whatever – but it didn’t budge.¬† “Hmmmmm…..now what could that be?” I thought to myself.¬† Well, what better way to find out than to vacuum it up.

Vacuum, vacuum, vacuum….nothing.¬† Well, since I’m vacuuming I might as well do the whole room right?¬† In my valiant effort to do the entire room I notice an odd pattern.¬† So here is my initial thought…”when did the carpet become polka-dotted and/or do we have a serious mold problem all of a sudden?”¬† I was highly irritated..if this carpet is ruined we have to pay to replace it when we leave here….and it’s not even nice carpet!!¬† Then I see black dots on the wall by the bar, and on the bar!¬† “Bloody hell!!!”¬† I said (for real, I said it out loud).¬† Not only are my floors speckled, but now the walls by the bar and kitchen are too.¬† It’s like the house sprung a bad case of the chicken pox.¬† And my walls are lighter than the carpet…..Crap!!!¬† The bar has it too…and the bar stools.¬† The cream colored leather bar stools.

First reaction: “TYLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”¬† He bounces down the hallway and leaps around the corner (clearly thrilled to be out of bed at nearly midnight) and says “what mommy.”¬† He only says that when he’s trying to be cute. Or annoying, I haven’t figured it out just yet.¬† Regardless, I said to him “Did a sharpie explode in here today?”¬† Still in disbelief over the amount of speckles in this room and their placement.

“No.” he said, “why?”¬† That was quite a bit more apprehensive than the fist part of his sentence.¬† “Go ask Trey.” I said.¬† While he bounced down the hall I decided to look a little more closely at the living and dining room.¬† “Oh dear Lord!” I thought.¬† “Oh God.” I said.¬† “Sh*t!” I muttered several times….

Tyler came back and said “Trey said no. I was going to ask Trygg but he was asleep.”¬† I figured as much…and my finger of blame was pointing straight at Trygg.¬† Dang artist has got to stop expressing himself so freely.¬† The sharpied hands and legs I sent him to bed with were self-expression enough, in my opinion.

“Hey Tyler, grab some wipes and attempt to scrub that off the wall over there.”¬† I said in a somewhat freaked out tone.¬† Had I actually noticed the sharpie on the couch, love seat, sofa table, coffee table, kitchen table, entertainment center, TV, kitchen table chairs, my amazing hot pink knit wrap, my canvas tote bag, the cat carrier, the laptop, and the curtains I may have sounded a bit more freaked out.

Now I am freaked out.¬† Can’t run out and buy cleaning supplies for a job of this magnitude because it is after midnight and things are closed.¬† And it is now Sunday.¬† I let Tyler scrub for about five minutes when he informs me that he thinks he’s scrubbed the paint off the wall.¬† Really?!¬† “Stop with the wall and try the stool then.” I said, sounding annoyed.¬† Who scrubs until the paint comes off??¬† Major props for trying though – I would have given up long before removing paint.¬† Scrubbing the stool was futile.¬† All that did was spread the ink into a bigger, more unsightly mess.¬† I sent him to bed.

What can I do….not a darn thing.¬† Carpet is so speckled there is no way I can clean it spot by spot.¬† It needs a total shampoo with a sharpie removing cleaner.¬† Of which I don’t own.¬†¬† I think I know what we’ll be doing tomorrow after church.¬† And I was so looking forward to going to the beach.

Best part: I got a two-fer.¬† Somehow they managed to land a big old splat right smack dab in the¬† center of a lovely kitty creation.¬† Cat puke I know comes out of the carpet.¬† Hopefully the sharpie didn’t penetrate the acidic fur-lined slime Rosco left for me.

I’m getting sick and tired of self-expression through art.¬† Find a new hobby boys (you too Rosco).

PS: Bruce, you’ll need to buy a new board when you get back.

 

Chores. Crappy, Crappy Chores. February 25, 2012

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 10:11 pm
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As I type this Bruce and Tyler are watching Avatar again, and reciting it word for word.¬† In fact, they’re anticipating the next line and beating the blu ray to it.¬† Dang it.¬† Now Trygg’s joining them but he’s not doing the voice over.¬† He’s saying what the picture is going to do next.¬† Seriously boys. What’s the point of watching it if your going to talk each other through the whole darn thing?¬† This is what I’m hearing:

Bruce: “Run! Definitely!”

Trygg: “He’s going to start running and that’s going to start chasing him.¬† She’s going to say ‘run definitely’!”

Tyler: “Run! Definitely!”

The movie: (voice of Sigourney Weaver) “Run! Definitely!”

Tyler: “Bam Yo! I told you!”

Tyler and Bruce fist bump like it was a total shock they got it right.¬† Lord have mercy on me…where is my headset?!

 

I digress.¬† The other day I realized the boys hadn’t been picking up the dog poop in the yard.¬† Sure that seems like a small dilemma; but have you seen my dog?¬† When I uttered my inspirational message as to why they needed to go out and clean it all up not a single one of them moved.¬† I had to up the stakes for them.¬† Darn it these kids require me to be creative and think outside the box sometimes. No worries though…I live outside the box.¬† In fact, I don’t like the box at all..it’s so square and restricting..makes me feel limited and Lord knows I can’t stand any of that.¬† So, it seems only natural that my children are the same way.

For the record, Tyler and Bruce are now arguing over the fact that Tyler can recite the lines better than Bruce.  They need a life.

So, I asked the boys one last time to go clean up the dog poop.  Nothing (of course).  Fine, I can play this game too.

“Hey boys get your shoes on.¬† I have a huge surprise for you!” I said sounding crazy pumped.

They all ran and got their shoes on and waited by the door.¬† The wrong door in fact.¬† So, while they were out front thinking we were jumping in the car heading off on an awesome adventure; I was getting poop bags ready by the other door.¬† ūüôā¬† Being a mom is so fun sometimes.¬† I called for them again: “Boys are you coming?!”¬† They come trotting around the corner and see me standing by the front door with a handful of poop bags ready to rock and roll.¬† I have a Cheshire Cat sized grin on my face to show them my enthusiasm (really it was because I was totally pleased with how easily I had duped them).

Let the moaning and groaning begin.¬† A few threats later and they were all three standing outside the front door with poop bags in hand.¬† So I sweetened the news a bit with this: “So you boys are going to have a contest.¬† Whoever collects the most bags of dog poop gets a trip to Big Dip.”¬† Trey and Trygg were instantly ready to begin.¬† You offer food AND ice cream and those two go nuts.¬† Tyler on the other hand…not so much.¬† So I added (have to be fair you know): “Tyler and Trey must tie their bags shut and Trygg can set his here in a nice line.¬† You must have more than one little turd in¬† your bag for it to count.”

And they were off!¬† They collected an insane amount of poop.¬† A part of me wonders if they cleaned up the poop in the neighbor’s yard too.¬† Not likely, but wow…that was¬† a lot of poop.

So here’s the CCC (crap collecting counts):

Tyler: 2 bags

Trey: 14 bags

Trygg: 17 bags

Total: 33 bags of crap.

Did you read that?!¬† 33 bags of crap was collected in our yard.¬† What the heck are we feeding this dog???¬† 33 bags!!!¬† Man…I pity the garbage man when he collects our trash this week.¬† Just a big bag of crap for a guy with a crappy job.

And yes, I took everyone to Big Dip.¬† We’re all winners in the crap game.¬†¬† He he he!¬† ūüėČ

As for the movie…Trygg is now competing with Tyler to get the words out before the movie.¬† When they do it correctly they both jump up and point at Bruce while making some annoying “in your face” kind of noise and gesture.¬† I think I’m going to bed.¬† These guys are far too exciting for me.