The Bredlow Family Blog

Yeah, we really are this crazy.

We will never own a Roomba. September 7, 2016

Filed under: Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 4:54 pm

Picked the dog up from the vet where he was boarded and groomed over Labor Day weekend.  Now, I love our vet staff and their groomers do an amazing job. I am now realizing that a certain asshat of a dog loves them too, so much so that he’s making it painfully clear he’d rather live his life there than here and to be honest, I’m totally on board with his plan.  In fact, I’ll drive him there right now, pajamas on and all.

Let me set the stage: Tyler and I picked him up last night. Came home, had dinner, fed the freakishly cute yet newly shaved dog, let him out, cleaned up the kitchen, took the trash out, let the gigantic dalmatian wannabe out again because hey, better safe than sorry is our mantra, and off to a peaceful slumber for all.

Occasionally the dog needs to go out in the middle of the night.

He wears a chain collar that is so damn annoying I wake up pissed off some mornings because I hear him all night long.  That collar is also the indicator that he needs to go out. He is an expert at making so much noise with it that even the critters outside are pecking at the house and pounding on the door asking us to shut him the hell up.

He didn’t make a peep last night. Certainly it was because he was just so excited to be back in his house, with his people, with his bed, with a relaxed asshole…did I mention he was SILENT last night.

Queue Bruce getting up for work well before the sun is up.  Bless his heart, he did what he could. He put the shit covered dog bed outside, attempted to clean up a spot or two, and shot me a text forewarning me of the situation downstairs.

This is a smell no one can ignore. I made it roughly two feet outside the bedroom door when I was hit with the pungent stank of a thousand freshly laid shit piles. Inside I was crying like a baby, fetal position, kicking, screaming, wailing fits and all. On the outside I sighed, cursed more than necessary, told the shit generator my true feelings of him at the moment and put him outside praying out loud that somehow he’d be hit and killed by traffic in the confines of my fenced in backyard.

I hauled the crap covered rug outside and set it next to the shit laden dog bed.

I stood by the back door and assessed the situation: this one calls for at least three rolls of paper towels, a bottle of carpet cleaner, the Spotbot, two trash bags, and a hell of a lot of air freshener. There was shit on the dog bed, shit on the rug, shit on the cowhide, shit from the back door down the hallway, through the living room, and into the sunroom where a shit fest awaited me.  It was like a thousand tiny toddlers with diarrhea had a party in our house.

There is a silver lining in all of this: he missed shitting on the air intake vent by mere fractions of an inch. Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus!!

 

 

This is why we will never own a Roomba.

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Doppelganger March 7, 2016

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 11:17 pm

Today I met Bruce at the pharmacy. I’ll admit, I was shamelessly using his active duty in uniform status to move to the front of the pharmacy line. In the land of military healthcare it’s almost a requirement if you want to be in and out of there in under an hour.

While we were sitting there patiently (ok, I was impatiently waiting) waiting for our number to be called a lady walked in.  She glanced around the room and smiled at me. Then waved. Then looked to see how long the line was to get a number before shifting her attention back to me. She smiled again and then said loud enough for me to hear across the room “Are you ok?”

You know me, I smiled and waved back and said “Yep!”

She got her number and then she turned around and walked directly over to me. She stood in front of me, smiled again, and bent down and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Then she asked again, sounding concerned “Are you feeling ok?”

It was about now that she released my hug and really looked at me.  Then she stepped back with a perplexed look on her face which rapidly turned to shock and perhaps a twinge of horror. It was then that she realized she had no idea who on earth I was. None.

She stood upright and briskly walked away and sat completely out of view from us. Then Bruce asked “who was that?”

“I have no idea.” was my response.

He looked at me and said “seriously?” Then laughed and asked again “You really don’t know who that is?”

“Nope. I’ve never seen her before. She smells good though.” was my response.

Obviously I look like someone else and not in a good way. She was very concerned that I wasn’t well. Granted my hair was a hot mess and I wasn’t wearing makeup, but I didn’t think I looked that bad.  Apparently I do.

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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream Because my Phone Sucks. January 21, 2015

Filed under: Totally Random Stuff,Travel Ramblings — bredlowfamily @ 7:33 am

Why do you password protect your iPhone? I do mine because I have a certain child that likes to take it, change the background images to selfies of himself making random silly faces, and then fill my camera roll with the aforementioned random silly faces thus rendering my storage capacity full and locking me out of my phone until I plug it into a computer to dump the images and free up a bit of storage.  Did I mention the certain child is quite keen at figuring out what my code is, no matter how random it might be (well, except for the instance below).  I also lock this darn thing for the unlikely chance it falls into the wrong hands. Rather, into hands that do not live under the same roof as me.  Which brings us to my present predicament.

 

Should you change your iPhone password in haste while only half paying attention because you were talking to your spouse, arguing with the child that is the cause of the hasty code change, attempting to get two others to move out of the way of the other customers, eyeballing the lady behind you in line because she is clearly judging  you for purchasing that extra comfortable men’s sweater for yourself, wondering why you didn’t grab those fresh oranges because they looked so darn delicious, randomly saying “move over there” and “I said no” to the kids, realizing you didn’t buy any wine on this trip, wondering if you have time to grab some, and emptying a bag of goodies at the register of a very crowded Italian store on a Sunday evening (when all the locals shop) while on holiday in the south of Italy is a surefire way to end up in one heck of a predicament.

Also, know that saying to yourself “oh that is a catchy number combination” while doing the above listed things and then swiftly shoving your newly passworded phone into your purse while shifting gears to the actual task at hand is not the proper way to ensure you recall the number sequence you entered into your phone not more than 30 seconds earlier.

Less than five minutes later in the comfort of the passenger seat of the car, I drew a complete blank.  All I knew was that I thought it was a catchy number combination, it started with nine, and ended on the top row of numbers.  Seriously, that was it.

Making matters worse was I had to borrow my nine-year olds phone.  I went to use it and it was password protected.  Two days later and I am now able to get into my phone….my newly restored to factory settings and 100% erased. It’s like a new phone in my demon filled phone’s body….. I’m not even done attempting to set it back up and it’s already being a pain in the ass.  Yep, this is my phone alright.  Bummer, I was hoping it would have magically transformed itself into an iPhone 6 with thumb reader.   Yes I know they are massive but after this joy filled experience I could care less.

I lied.

It’s not like a new phone in my old phone’s body. It is exactly like my old phone.  Turn it on, it erases itself. Walk through the process again and get it set up. It erases itself.  Curse at it. It erases itself.

I have beaten it on the back of the couch, no progress.

Where is the wine?

And the power just went out……

 

I Woke Up With Wings! October 7, 2014

Filed under: The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 5:11 am
Tags: ,

hello-im-back-again

Did you miss me? 🙂

I’ve had a case of the blog blahs.  My kids constantly tell me to get with the program and update it already.   😉

My kids are a humorous bunch of crazies, if I do say so myself.  I’m not entirely certain where all the crazy stems from; however, I am fairly confident it comes from a word that starts with M and ends with OM. 😉

This welcome back to blogging post is brought to you by T2.  This is a story he wrote for school, he already has next weeks story planned out.  I love this kid!  Okay, here goes the fun (this is transcribed directly from his journal, no editing on my part. Well, with the exception of the images):

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I woke up and looked out the window.  Officer Wesley was staring at me with wide-eyed horror.  I turned around and heard the window shatter. I felt a different form of energy, I felt as if I could fly.

“Son!” Called my mom.

“What?” I called.

“You broke a window?!” Called my mom.

“Coming!”

I ran downstairs. When mom saw me she passed out. I got Officer Wesley called the hospital then said I had wings. Moving-animated-gif-picture-dragon-flapping-wings He took me to an open field then said to try flying.  I tried and actually flew! He said to pick up an abandoned car, and I did.  Officer Wesley said to drop it and it landed on his police car.

“Oops!” I said.

He was so angry he pulled out his pistol from his holster and tried shooting me.  He missed. I flew away. I was extremely depressed. The ones I loved most are now gone. I flew to Texas and remembered the reason I woke up with wings.

It was a lab experiment gone wrong. I mixed pineapple juice with acid and accidentally burned myself.  Then I passed out. I woke up in my bed and had wings. That’s how this all happened.

So I made the same formula. I got a volunteer to try the mixture on. He got burnt, passed out, then woke up with wings.

flamebreathing

I gave my formula to the government.  i told the governor that if you burn yourself you would pass out then wake up with wings.  He seemed fascinated.

Next thing I knew I was famous.

I tried apple juice and acid. I burnt myself, but didn’t pass out.  Instead, I didn’t have wings; but there was one problem…I was a T-Rex!

Moving-picture-trex-walking-animated-gif

 

The little jokesters strike again… January 21, 2014

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 10:15 am

Life in our house is always a little different unique silly odd crazy humorous.  It is so crazy here at times I am a little uncertain as to whether or not I should admit us all into an asylum, or if we are in an asylum and I haven’t yet come to that realization on my own.  Should I be concerned?  If our family was followed by a film crew and we were instant reality TV stars, you would find our show on Comedy Central.

The latest rage in our house is Yo Mama jokes.  I have absolutely no idea where it all started, I only know that it started upon our move to Italy.  Somewhere outside the asylum, that place our kids refer to as home.  And quite frankly, who doesn’t love a good Yo Mama joke?

It isn’t fair for us to keep this insane amount of humor all bottled up inside our house.  We are busting at the seams with jokes and before you know it there will be a laughter explosion pouring forth from the walls of our house.  Brace yourselves, it is about to get silly up in here!

Consider this your personal collection of the best of the best relatively clean Yo Mama jokes.  If you know my kids, picture T2 telling you these as he is the lead Yo Mama jokester in the house.

Let’s start with a few Yo Mama so dumb and/or stupid and/or both jokes….

Yo Mama so dumb she spent 20 minutes staring at the orange juice because it said concentrate. (think about that…..)

Yo Mama so dumb she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

Yo Mama so stupid she made an appointment with Dr. Pepper.

Yo Mama so stupid that when she got locked in a grocery store she starved to death.

Yo Mama so dumb she went to the dentist for a blue tooth.

Yo Mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew. (I bet she crushed it!)

Yo Mama so stupid the only reason she opened her email is she heard it contained SPAM.

Yo Mama so stupid she went to a Clippers game for a haircut.

I mean honestly? Who can’t laugh at those?  But, in case you are butt hurt because I offended you with my  relatively tame set of jokes you should probably close this browser window now.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Don’t come crying to me when I touch a nerve with this next series of Yo Mama jokes.  It’s not my fault if you think we tell jokes that poke fun of you and your own mother (or mother-in-law).  It is entirely coincidental and knowing some people take these personally only makes them that much funnier to me.  😉

Onward we go with the jokes!  I’m just going to group these last few into one category.  The Fat and Old category!

Yo Mama so fat she was arrested for carrying ten pounds of crack!  (ok, seriously, how can you NOT laugh at that?)

Yo Mama so fat she threw on a sheet for Halloween and went as Antarctica.  (bwahahahahaha!!)

Yo Mama so fat she was zoned for commercial development.

Yo Mama so fat that when she turns around people throw her a welcome home party.

Yo Mama so fat that she comes at you from all directions. (I can picture this and it is funny)

Yo Mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Yo Mama so fat she was born on the 4th, 5th, and 6th of July.

Yo Mama so fat that her belly button got home 15 minutes before she did. (now that is a lot of woman)

Yo Mama so fat that when she walked in front of the TV I missed three episodes of Breaking Bad. (ok, we don’t watch TV so insert your favorite series in place of that one.)

Yo Mama so fat her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has a sweater.  (picture that in your mind…nasty)

Yo Mama so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

I know there are a million other Yo Mama jokes out there, some not so appropriate for children (and most adults).  But these are the ones that get my kids going and once they get started they can not stop.  For real, they can not stop.  We go from quiet evening meal to all out giggle fits in about three seconds flat. On slow days.

I have; however, saved the best one for last.  This is my all time favorite one and it is sure to get you laughing, as if the other jokes I posted weren’t enough.  And if they weren’t enough you should consider seeking medical attention to determine whether or not laugh box is broken.  It’s kind of like a voice box, only funnier.  If you go seek medical attention for your laugh box please let me know.  I need to know whose name to put in place of Yo Mama on all the Yo Mama so stupid and dumb jokes…..

Here is the number one Yo Mama joke in our house:

Yo Mama so ugly she scared the crap out of the toilet.   (no offense mom…or Marlene 😉 )

 

Snakes in the garden. May 11, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 3:19 am
Tags: , , ,

This afternoon I decided to be a nice renter and do a bit of gardening.  Whatever!  I am always a nice renter (wink, wink, cough, cough) and I do enjoy gardening quite a bit.  So…..back track to last fall.

When we moved into this house the lawn and other such outdoor things appeared to be fairly well-kept.  Not unlike the rest of the house, that too, appeared well-kept.  Appeared being the operative word here.  After countless hours of trimming and pruning late last summer and early fall I quickly realized that this yard was maintained only so much as to appear loved.

Fast forward back to this afternoon and I am one sweaty, hot mess pulling into the driveway after a fun-filled sweat fest at the gym with my peeps.  I could see the killer storm clouds rolling in from the west and I thought: “Hey there sweaty lady, you should totally charge your camera because it would rock to get more sweet lightening pictures.  Oh, and the real reason we’re having this inner monologue is that this lawn would look freakishly amazing after a rain storm if it was freshly trimmed just prior to it.  You (yes, I am still talking to myself) should give the front yard quick trim before you take a shower.  I mean, look at yourself.  You stink, which is strange because you look amazing; even through all that sweat and frazzled hair.  I’m pretty sure fresh-cut grass would only add to the aroma and overall amazing look you are rocking right now.”  What was a girl  to do?  I can’t argue with myself when I’m making such a valid argument.

Unfortunately I have an electric mower and considering the fact that we had snow on the ground this time last week, and that we have endured eight months of winter….it is not charged.  So, I plugged it in, gassed it up, checked the oil, rotated the tires, brushed off the cobwebs, spit on it, and reattached the handle bar (I removed it to make room in the garage over the winter).  Then I pushed it into the corner and slumped away.  Sure I am allergic to cut grass, well, grass in general but cut grass makes it worse, but that has never stopped me before.  I am wicked anal about the yard; which sucks in this particular house.

Since I couldn’t mow, I decided to pull the weeds that had miraculously shot up faster than a teenage boy looking at a Playboy magazine.

I have learned from the neighbors that the home owners were very particular about their rose bushes.  Really?!  I would have NEVER GUESSED.  I’m not being sarcastic either.  As with the inside of this house, the yard and gardens only looked well-kept.  None of the beds have plastic sheeting under them….who does that?!  Lovers of weeds perhaps, or total cheap morons.

I started pulling a few weeds and dead branches out of the bushes when I realized they had probably never pruned or thinned out the shrubs.  Ugh.  Come on people…you trim your own hair to help it grow. Duh.

The rose bushes, as you may know, are not exactly bare hand friendly.  And the insane thorn monster plants planted alongside them made the rose bushes look as smooth as a baby’s backside.  I gloved up.

I spent two hours trimming and weeding two rose bushes and two thorn bushes.  I’m sure the thorn bush has an actual name; however, I have yet to see it produce anything other than thorns.  Had the home owners been thinking, they would have planted these skin mutilating plants under all the windows.  Who knows if it would keep the riff raff out; however, I am certain it would keep the kids in.

My arms look like I am into self-mutilation.  Yes they are all scratched up, blood may have been involved on more than one instance, and I may have said a few choice words from time to time.  Not helping is the fact that I am allergic to darn near everything that grows in Minnesota, so, all those scratches are red and puffy.  Awesome.

Every idiot knows that you need to prune and meticulously maintain a garden if you want it to blossom and be beautiful.  Imagine my surprise when I realized these plants hadn’t been pruned in a long, long, long time.  If ever.  Well, not ever because I did prune them last fall while they were green, these brown and lifeless branches posed a whole new level of fun.  No worries, I got that!  I went to pruning town.  Branches growing into the ground and not up…what?!  Chop those babies off and let the plant use the energy towards those branches that want to perform.  It’s like running a business: if you are slow to perform or a non-performer then I’m sorry, but I’ll have to let you go.  Bu-buy!

Fast forward again to today (yeah, I took two days off for laziness) and I am finishing this blog for the SECOND time.  Yeah, I finished it and published it once already today.  Did you like it?  Me too!!  I liked it so much I removed all traces of it from the internet and decided to start over from this point in the blog.  You know, sometimes it’s fun to recreate the pure awesomeness you just lost because of a server error.

While I was in the bushes I noticed a spiraling, swirling vine that mirrored a snake slithering through the trees in the jungle.  This sucker was all over the entire garden. In fact, had I not known any better I would have removed the rose bushes and left the vine.  It was that thick.  People this is a weed.  It will grow and slither its way through all your plants and like a Boa Constrictor, it will strangle and suffocate the life right out of them until you are left with a brown, thorny, flowerless garden.  In the owners defense, I can only assume they thought this flowering green vine that grows freakishly faster than fungus on an ingrown toenail in the hot, steamy sun was some amazing miracle plant that  they had, in fact, planted alongside their roses.

It is not a plant.  It is a weed.  A weed I tell you. And not even one you can smoke.  Well, I guess you could smoke it if you wanted to but….

This blog was way better before I lost the information.  I mean WAY BETTER.  And yes I checked my auto save folder and drafts.  Where do you think I found the first half of the blog (rhetorical question folks, no need to get snarky and answer it)?

Oh well, it’s your loss because I already knew how awesome this once was.  Now I’m in a pissy mood so I’ll just wrap it all up in one tight little package, not unlike the freaking weed I eradicated from the garden.  The home owners can thank me later when their garden rivals the rose garden at the White House, or not.

Not is fine too.

 

You’re Reading What?! May 8, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 1:47 pm
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I’ve often heard people say reading is good for the soul; or that it helps spark your imagination and keep your brain sharp.  I can see where that would be true; however, ain’t no one go time for that!

Honestly, when are the crazies that spend hours buried in a book finding the hours to bury themselves in a book?

I’ve had the same book sitting on my desk for about 20 minutes and I have yet to find the time to open it up. In fact, it now has two sheets of paper on top of it that appear to be more pressing issues than spending time reading.  One is the grocery list.  Stupid yes, but totally important in this house. I can hardly keep up with the ever expanding appetites of the boys as it is, let alone if I should forget to actually stock the house with food.  The other is a coupon book Trey made for me.  I plan to cash in every last one of his coupons this weekend.  Oh heck, I did just spend time reading….I read every single one of the coupons.  I especially like the one that has them cleaning the cat litter.  I’m definitely photocopying these coupons.  He even made a bar code on them so I could “scan” them with my iPhone like I do at the store when I’m looking for gluten in the ingredients.  This kid thinks of everything!  Well, almost everything.  If he thought of everything he’d have thrown a coupon in there refilling my wine glass.  😉

Speaking of wine, let me get back to the issue of reading.  Now, many people say they like to sit down with a glass of wine or a cup of tea and read.  To better prepare myself I poured a glass of wine into a tea cup, saucer and all.  Nothing screams elegance like sipping wine from an itty bitty cup with your pinky finger stuck out ever so daintily.  If I keep this habit up I’m going to have to crochet a few doilies to set under my tea cup.  Since I can’t crochet, it will be another amazing opportunity to read up on something.  I am a firm believer in learning a new skill too.  So as not to over exert myself, I’ll stick to one skill per day.  Today was mastering the art of pinky elegance while sipping a soft blush from a teacup.  Oh dear I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings!!

Regarding reading for enjoyment; what was the last book you read for pure, unadulterated personal enjoyment (aside from the Bible.  I am not counting that in this post because I read that daily.  This post is about other total nonsense kinds of reading)?  I was going to say pleasure instead of enjoyment; however, I know so many of my loyal readers have less than sparkly clean minds and images of Fifty Shades of Grey popped into my head.  *sigh*   I digress….   What are you reading for fun and not because you have to read a book for work, your book club, school, etc?

Don’t laugh at this one.  Aside from the ever so amazing Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, the last book I read was “Wineries of Wisconsin and Minnesota.”  Keep in mind I have read this keep you on the edge of your seat with suspense and pure awesomeness book at least five times.  Aside from that, my other recent read was “Give Up: Life’s an Adventure for Most….A Concussion for You.”  Both are crazy good books, but I definitely recommend the latter if you are looking for a light read.  I’m serious by the way.  These are the last two books I read.  In fact, I made  Bruce buy me the “Give Up” book for Christmas. 🙂

Wait until you hear what I have queued up for my next good read.  Are you ready?  Do you think you can handle it?!  Ok, I know the suspense is killing you.  The next book I plan to add to my repertoire is Kevin Zraly’s “Complete Wine Course.”  I can hear the roar of your cheering and the pains of your jealousy from here.

The question still remains though, where are all the crazies finding the time to spend hours buried in a book?  I read “If You Give a Mom a Martini” in about twenty minutes and that was pushing the limits of my free time.  Even in the twenty minutes I set aside to read that book the cat was pestering me so badly for attention that I had to give this mom a martini.

People often tell me they wake up early to read, or spend time reading during lunch, or even stay up late after the kids go to bed to read.  Are they nuts?!  Obviously they are.  If your kids haven’t worn you down to a drunken stupor by days end you are doing it wrong.  Or, perhaps it is because they do not have my kids.  😉

I do love reading!

I do love reading!

So tell me, what are the secrets to finding the time to actually sit down and read for the sake of reading (again, outside of the Bible) without falling asleep or having some snot nosed, dirt coated, poop machine interrupting you?