The Bredlow Family Blog

Yeah, we really are this crazy.

I Woke Up With Wings! October 7, 2014

Filed under: The Boys,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 5:11 am
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hello-im-back-again

Did you miss me? 🙂

I’ve had a case of the blog blahs.  My kids constantly tell me to get with the program and update it already.   😉

My kids are a humorous bunch of crazies, if I do say so myself.  I’m not entirely certain where all the crazy stems from; however, I am fairly confident it comes from a word that starts with M and ends with OM. 😉

This welcome back to blogging post is brought to you by T2.  This is a story he wrote for school, he already has next weeks story planned out.  I love this kid!  Okay, here goes the fun (this is transcribed directly from his journal, no editing on my part. Well, with the exception of the images):

—————————————————————————————————————————-

I woke up and looked out the window.  Officer Wesley was staring at me with wide-eyed horror.  I turned around and heard the window shatter. I felt a different form of energy, I felt as if I could fly.

“Son!” Called my mom.

“What?” I called.

“You broke a window?!” Called my mom.

“Coming!”

I ran downstairs. When mom saw me she passed out. I got Officer Wesley called the hospital then said I had wings. Moving-animated-gif-picture-dragon-flapping-wings He took me to an open field then said to try flying.  I tried and actually flew! He said to pick up an abandoned car, and I did.  Officer Wesley said to drop it and it landed on his police car.

“Oops!” I said.

He was so angry he pulled out his pistol from his holster and tried shooting me.  He missed. I flew away. I was extremely depressed. The ones I loved most are now gone. I flew to Texas and remembered the reason I woke up with wings.

It was a lab experiment gone wrong. I mixed pineapple juice with acid and accidentally burned myself.  Then I passed out. I woke up in my bed and had wings. That’s how this all happened.

So I made the same formula. I got a volunteer to try the mixture on. He got burnt, passed out, then woke up with wings.

flamebreathing

I gave my formula to the government.  i told the governor that if you burn yourself you would pass out then wake up with wings.  He seemed fascinated.

Next thing I knew I was famous.

I tried apple juice and acid. I burnt myself, but didn’t pass out.  Instead, I didn’t have wings; but there was one problem…I was a T-Rex!

Moving-picture-trex-walking-animated-gif

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In love! August 7, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife — bredlowfamily @ 7:37 am
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I just felt like creating a blog from my new laptop.  No other reason than that folks.

I have been wanting, begging for a Mac for a very long time.  Long as in YEARS!!!  So imagine how excited I was when Bruce gave me a brand spanking new MacBook Pro when he redeployed.  I nearly cried.  True story.

All in all this baby is FANFREAKINGTASTIC.

That is all.

 

Snakes in the garden. May 11, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 3:19 am
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This afternoon I decided to be a nice renter and do a bit of gardening.  Whatever!  I am always a nice renter (wink, wink, cough, cough) and I do enjoy gardening quite a bit.  So…..back track to last fall.

When we moved into this house the lawn and other such outdoor things appeared to be fairly well-kept.  Not unlike the rest of the house, that too, appeared well-kept.  Appeared being the operative word here.  After countless hours of trimming and pruning late last summer and early fall I quickly realized that this yard was maintained only so much as to appear loved.

Fast forward back to this afternoon and I am one sweaty, hot mess pulling into the driveway after a fun-filled sweat fest at the gym with my peeps.  I could see the killer storm clouds rolling in from the west and I thought: “Hey there sweaty lady, you should totally charge your camera because it would rock to get more sweet lightening pictures.  Oh, and the real reason we’re having this inner monologue is that this lawn would look freakishly amazing after a rain storm if it was freshly trimmed just prior to it.  You (yes, I am still talking to myself) should give the front yard quick trim before you take a shower.  I mean, look at yourself.  You stink, which is strange because you look amazing; even through all that sweat and frazzled hair.  I’m pretty sure fresh-cut grass would only add to the aroma and overall amazing look you are rocking right now.”  What was a girl  to do?  I can’t argue with myself when I’m making such a valid argument.

Unfortunately I have an electric mower and considering the fact that we had snow on the ground this time last week, and that we have endured eight months of winter….it is not charged.  So, I plugged it in, gassed it up, checked the oil, rotated the tires, brushed off the cobwebs, spit on it, and reattached the handle bar (I removed it to make room in the garage over the winter).  Then I pushed it into the corner and slumped away.  Sure I am allergic to cut grass, well, grass in general but cut grass makes it worse, but that has never stopped me before.  I am wicked anal about the yard; which sucks in this particular house.

Since I couldn’t mow, I decided to pull the weeds that had miraculously shot up faster than a teenage boy looking at a Playboy magazine.

I have learned from the neighbors that the home owners were very particular about their rose bushes.  Really?!  I would have NEVER GUESSED.  I’m not being sarcastic either.  As with the inside of this house, the yard and gardens only looked well-kept.  None of the beds have plastic sheeting under them….who does that?!  Lovers of weeds perhaps, or total cheap morons.

I started pulling a few weeds and dead branches out of the bushes when I realized they had probably never pruned or thinned out the shrubs.  Ugh.  Come on people…you trim your own hair to help it grow. Duh.

The rose bushes, as you may know, are not exactly bare hand friendly.  And the insane thorn monster plants planted alongside them made the rose bushes look as smooth as a baby’s backside.  I gloved up.

I spent two hours trimming and weeding two rose bushes and two thorn bushes.  I’m sure the thorn bush has an actual name; however, I have yet to see it produce anything other than thorns.  Had the home owners been thinking, they would have planted these skin mutilating plants under all the windows.  Who knows if it would keep the riff raff out; however, I am certain it would keep the kids in.

My arms look like I am into self-mutilation.  Yes they are all scratched up, blood may have been involved on more than one instance, and I may have said a few choice words from time to time.  Not helping is the fact that I am allergic to darn near everything that grows in Minnesota, so, all those scratches are red and puffy.  Awesome.

Every idiot knows that you need to prune and meticulously maintain a garden if you want it to blossom and be beautiful.  Imagine my surprise when I realized these plants hadn’t been pruned in a long, long, long time.  If ever.  Well, not ever because I did prune them last fall while they were green, these brown and lifeless branches posed a whole new level of fun.  No worries, I got that!  I went to pruning town.  Branches growing into the ground and not up…what?!  Chop those babies off and let the plant use the energy towards those branches that want to perform.  It’s like running a business: if you are slow to perform or a non-performer then I’m sorry, but I’ll have to let you go.  Bu-buy!

Fast forward again to today (yeah, I took two days off for laziness) and I am finishing this blog for the SECOND time.  Yeah, I finished it and published it once already today.  Did you like it?  Me too!!  I liked it so much I removed all traces of it from the internet and decided to start over from this point in the blog.  You know, sometimes it’s fun to recreate the pure awesomeness you just lost because of a server error.

While I was in the bushes I noticed a spiraling, swirling vine that mirrored a snake slithering through the trees in the jungle.  This sucker was all over the entire garden. In fact, had I not known any better I would have removed the rose bushes and left the vine.  It was that thick.  People this is a weed.  It will grow and slither its way through all your plants and like a Boa Constrictor, it will strangle and suffocate the life right out of them until you are left with a brown, thorny, flowerless garden.  In the owners defense, I can only assume they thought this flowering green vine that grows freakishly faster than fungus on an ingrown toenail in the hot, steamy sun was some amazing miracle plant that  they had, in fact, planted alongside their roses.

It is not a plant.  It is a weed.  A weed I tell you. And not even one you can smoke.  Well, I guess you could smoke it if you wanted to but….

This blog was way better before I lost the information.  I mean WAY BETTER.  And yes I checked my auto save folder and drafts.  Where do you think I found the first half of the blog (rhetorical question folks, no need to get snarky and answer it)?

Oh well, it’s your loss because I already knew how awesome this once was.  Now I’m in a pissy mood so I’ll just wrap it all up in one tight little package, not unlike the freaking weed I eradicated from the garden.  The home owners can thank me later when their garden rivals the rose garden at the White House, or not.

Not is fine too.

 

You’re Reading What?! May 8, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,Totally Random Stuff — bredlowfamily @ 1:47 pm
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I’ve often heard people say reading is good for the soul; or that it helps spark your imagination and keep your brain sharp.  I can see where that would be true; however, ain’t no one go time for that!

Honestly, when are the crazies that spend hours buried in a book finding the hours to bury themselves in a book?

I’ve had the same book sitting on my desk for about 20 minutes and I have yet to find the time to open it up. In fact, it now has two sheets of paper on top of it that appear to be more pressing issues than spending time reading.  One is the grocery list.  Stupid yes, but totally important in this house. I can hardly keep up with the ever expanding appetites of the boys as it is, let alone if I should forget to actually stock the house with food.  The other is a coupon book Trey made for me.  I plan to cash in every last one of his coupons this weekend.  Oh heck, I did just spend time reading….I read every single one of the coupons.  I especially like the one that has them cleaning the cat litter.  I’m definitely photocopying these coupons.  He even made a bar code on them so I could “scan” them with my iPhone like I do at the store when I’m looking for gluten in the ingredients.  This kid thinks of everything!  Well, almost everything.  If he thought of everything he’d have thrown a coupon in there refilling my wine glass.  😉

Speaking of wine, let me get back to the issue of reading.  Now, many people say they like to sit down with a glass of wine or a cup of tea and read.  To better prepare myself I poured a glass of wine into a tea cup, saucer and all.  Nothing screams elegance like sipping wine from an itty bitty cup with your pinky finger stuck out ever so daintily.  If I keep this habit up I’m going to have to crochet a few doilies to set under my tea cup.  Since I can’t crochet, it will be another amazing opportunity to read up on something.  I am a firm believer in learning a new skill too.  So as not to over exert myself, I’ll stick to one skill per day.  Today was mastering the art of pinky elegance while sipping a soft blush from a teacup.  Oh dear I can hardly wait to see what tomorrow brings!!

Regarding reading for enjoyment; what was the last book you read for pure, unadulterated personal enjoyment (aside from the Bible.  I am not counting that in this post because I read that daily.  This post is about other total nonsense kinds of reading)?  I was going to say pleasure instead of enjoyment; however, I know so many of my loyal readers have less than sparkly clean minds and images of Fifty Shades of Grey popped into my head.  *sigh*   I digress….   What are you reading for fun and not because you have to read a book for work, your book club, school, etc?

Don’t laugh at this one.  Aside from the ever so amazing Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, the last book I read was “Wineries of Wisconsin and Minnesota.”  Keep in mind I have read this keep you on the edge of your seat with suspense and pure awesomeness book at least five times.  Aside from that, my other recent read was “Give Up: Life’s an Adventure for Most….A Concussion for You.”  Both are crazy good books, but I definitely recommend the latter if you are looking for a light read.  I’m serious by the way.  These are the last two books I read.  In fact, I made  Bruce buy me the “Give Up” book for Christmas. 🙂

Wait until you hear what I have queued up for my next good read.  Are you ready?  Do you think you can handle it?!  Ok, I know the suspense is killing you.  The next book I plan to add to my repertoire is Kevin Zraly’s “Complete Wine Course.”  I can hear the roar of your cheering and the pains of your jealousy from here.

The question still remains though, where are all the crazies finding the time to spend hours buried in a book?  I read “If You Give a Mom a Martini” in about twenty minutes and that was pushing the limits of my free time.  Even in the twenty minutes I set aside to read that book the cat was pestering me so badly for attention that I had to give this mom a martini.

People often tell me they wake up early to read, or spend time reading during lunch, or even stay up late after the kids go to bed to read.  Are they nuts?!  Obviously they are.  If your kids haven’t worn you down to a drunken stupor by days end you are doing it wrong.  Or, perhaps it is because they do not have my kids.  😉

I do love reading!

I do love reading!

So tell me, what are the secrets to finding the time to actually sit down and read for the sake of reading (again, outside of the Bible) without falling asleep or having some snot nosed, dirt coated, poop machine interrupting you?

 

Wholesome Home Made Butter March 3, 2013

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife — bredlowfamily @ 3:20 am
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Many have inquired into my butter making endeavors; thus rendering a blog about the process more than necessary.  The recipe I follow is one that I received from a sister in Christ, although she didn’t say Jesus spoke the words to her in a vision, after tasting the creamy goodness one would think He may have.  I may have altered her directions greatly…

To begin, you need to gather the following ingredients:

Heavy Whipping Cream

Sea Salt

A jar that can withstand the constant forces of your thrusting without spewing a single drop of buttery goodness across the room.

Any youth that needs to burn off excess energy.  Finding one as cute as mine is nearly impossible, so by all means, settle for almost good enough.

Here is what I used in the creation of this blog:

Stuff you need

Stuff you need

Cuteness exemplified

Cuteness exemplified

One you’ve gathered your sub par energetic youth and the other ingredients read on for the fine details.

Fill your jar about this full (yes I bake with these exact measurements too) and then screw the lid on tightly.  Remember, the point is to shake the crap out of this without redecorating your walls with cream.

Heavy whipping cream into jar.  Seal.

Heavy whipping cream into jar.

Once you’ve done this you are ready for some serious shaking action.  Pick the jar up, put on a sweat band or two and get to it.  Pretend it’s a shake weight.  If you’re going to spend the next 15 minutes or so shaking the shit out of this, then you might as well make it a workout (or, sit back and gleefully watch your energetic youth struggle to perform).

See that smile?  It won't last much longer.  He's about two minutes in.

See that smile? It won’t last much longer. He’s about two minutes in.

If this is your first butter shaking adventure, you are in luck!  I have included rare video images of the process.  I actually had to pay to upgrade my blog so I could include videos, totally worth it.  This first one highlights what it looks like when you break the news to your now slightly less energetic youth, as to how much longer they must shake.

After all that shaking your energetic youth is bound to get tired.  Do not let them fool you, they have PLENTY of energy on reserve.  It is your goal to tap into all of that.

Do not fall for this nonsense.

Do not fall for this nonsense.

Not only is this better for you than the mostly vegetable oil spreads in the stores, but it is a great upper body workout.

When your shaker looks like the picture below, you should be getting close.

Do not fall for the worn out cuteness

Do not fall for the worn out cuteness

When it is harder to shake the liquid in the jar and it sounds a little more “thick,” go ahead and open it up.  Add whatever quantity of salt you so desire.

Add the salt, reseal it, and continue de-energizing your youth.

Add the salt, reseal it, and continue de-energizing your youth.

Now that the final stages are within reach, it is a nice touch to change things up a bit for your less than energetic youth.  To hold their interest long enough to cross the finish line into buttery goodness, you need to get creative.

Who doesn’t love a little Gangnam Style?

And lastly, since we are shaking…..

When your liquid changes to a solid yellow turd sitting amongst a cream-colored bath, you are finished!  It should look something like this:

Solid yellow turd in a creamy liquid

Solid yellow turd in a creamy liquid

Lastly, transfer it into a container.

Yummy!

Yummy!

And that is how you make butter.  I assume you know how to toast your own bread…..

 

And we are back in business (the lunatic business)!! November 8, 2012

Hold on to your hats people because we are back in business!  So we never actually went out of business because this isn’t really a business for me to begin with.  Which means, technically speaking, my whole premise for this blog is already so far off base I might as well toss it out the window.  But I can’t do that because as many of you know I am now living in Minnesnowta.  To open a window at this hour, during this time of year would be absolutely ludicrous and asinine.  Make no mistake about it – I HATE being cold.  It is currently a blazing hot 31 degrees outside.  Not a chance in America (same difference as hell nowadays) I’m opening a window to toss my in progress but already obsolete blog post out the window.  In fact, typing about nonsense such as this is probably working to help heat the muscles in my hands, which will directly, albeit slowly, heat me up so I am not sitting here hunched over and shivering for too much longer.  So that last part is all buffoonery and it’ll never actually happen.  I should just concede to the fact that the only time I’ll be truly warm is when I am burning through the hot water in my hot water heater and during my hot vinyasa yoga sessions.  Anywho….I know you are dying to know what we’ve been up to over the last several months.  😉
Here it all is in a few amazingly awesome run on sentences.  You are welcome and I dare you to read through it as fast as you can because I promise you, that is EXACTLY how I typed it.

 

We got our orders to leave Japan and head back to the United States sometime during the what I thought at the time were cold winter months in Okinawa, but turned out to actually be quite warm as compared to what I am experiencing right now months; from there we booked our shipments and sold our Japanese vehicles; we bid farewell to a ton of amazing friends; I ran in a half marathon (imagine that) and broke my toe on the same day; I was folding laundry at the coffee table and Bruce was watching a movie on his laptop while Tyler was showering and the other two were fighting; I asked him to go in there and tell them to stop before someone broke something; he didn’t budge; out of frustration and pure unadulterated annoyance I stopped folding clothes and went to do it myself; damn wall leaped out in front of me; I am pretty sure what happened next has scarred my children forever but I have no recollection of what I said; Tyler did tell me (remember he was in the shower) that I could have beat Jesse James and Senior from OCC in a most curse words used in a single sentence contest; hmmm…..what did I scream?!?! Anyway, Bruce got up, kids calmed down, I finished folding the laundry; next day got a xray, split my pinky toe in half (who does that?!?!?), I was pissed off and now multi colored too – awesome photos of that somewhere on my facebook page, ate my words of “if you don’t go in there someone is going to break something” – continued to coach the most amazing group of women you will ever meet – the US Army Ladies Dragon Boat Team; we ROCKED that boat like nothing else and although we didn’t win we were more than victorious; we beat our time from the year prior by A LOT and came in SECOND place for women in the services; we almost beat the Navy women too….in a boat race – BOOYA!  We packed, we partied, we packed some more, we partied some more too because that’s what we are good at, then we moved out of our house and into a hotel, but somewhere in there I took a pottery class and did a lot of laying around at the beach because I couldn’t run since my toe was broken, also had to buy my first pair of closed toe shoes to protect the darn little piggy, I love Japanese shoes so shopping for those was not a problem in my book; got on a plane and left Japan; hardest move ever for me because I loved it there so much, so did the kids; stopped in Hawaii for ten days…that was an acceptable sadness mending place to stop, 🙂 oh how I love Hawaii, I swear I am really a native island girl who was mistakenly swapped at birth with some poor Eskimo kid from Minnesota; somewhere on a beach is a child being forced to endure the hardships of surfing and paddle boarding while I am here being forced to endure her hopes and dream and her destiny (queue sad violin music that tears at your heart strings…reach for the kleenex)…..ok back to reality – while in Hawaii we surfed, body boarded, paddle boarded, hiked, went running, hunted wild boar, ate with Micky and Goofy, shopped, swam, napped, swam with turtles, saw dolphins, went diving, snorkeling, and played in the pool, drank mai tai’s  (I am sure there is more); then we picked Rosco up from the quarantine at the Honolulu Airport and boarded a flight back to the mainland on our way to Minnesota; we flew to San Francisco then to Washington Dulles (DC), then to Minneapolis via Honolulu, Tokyo, and Okinawa…as you can see, the Army is all about cheap flights which translates to many layovers and crazy flight paths; we moved into my moms and immediately started looking for places to rent; Bruce and Tyler flew to Saint Louis to pick up my car as the Army delivered it there upon release of it from military storage; then they drove back to Minnesota, we spent a few days at the cabin with his family, went to a few Twins games; Bruce was the flag raiser at one of them, saw fireworks, paid a small fortune to have my car thoroughly examined since it was in storage for the last two years, went to Iowa, found a place to rent, bought a few guns and ammo, bought some wine, bought more guns and ammo, used the guns, ammo and wine, got our crap delivered, unpacked, moved in, set up shop, had a party, drank some wine, Bruce deployed, went to Valleyfair, drank a lot of wine, kids started school, had a mom party for this mom party of one, kids started soccer and hockey, my car never cools off between trips, had another party, ran a half marathon, ran a 5K, ran another 5K, ran another 5K, ran another half marathon, saw a lot of family, ran another 5K, flew to Colorado, ran another 5K, bought wine, went to a vineyard, bought wine, went to a Vikings game, went to another vineyard, bought wine, went to conferences, did yard work, yard work, and more yard work, got the dog groomed, nearly went insane, washed my car, it rained, washed it again, it rained again, quit washing it, it quit raining, washed it again….it rained, joined a bowling league with my 82-year-old grandmother, she’s better than me, ran some more, joined a gym, had another party, thought Rosco was going to die after a horrible fall, he’s a survivor, he’s gonna make it, he’s not gonna give up, not gonna quit (darn it, how did that song jump into your head?), didn’t have a working heater, didn’t have a working hot water heater at the same time, had to drive to my moms so the kids could shower, showed up at dinner time (I’m good like that), ate dinner, showered the kids, got the heat fixed, fixed the hot water heater and nearly singed off Tyler’s eyebrows, turned the water heater way up so I’d be able to take hot showers long enough to thaw out, Bruce made a secret trip back while stateside on a trip with work, had another party, Bruce surprised everyone, all the kids had a birthday, celebrated Halloween, went broke paying for hockey and it’s only half paid, and I drank a lot of wine.  These are not necessarily in the correct order and I am quite certain I left a really large amount of fun-filled Bredlow awesomeness out; however, I don’t really care since I could make it all up anyway and no one would be the wiser.  So what does the future hold?  No idea.  I am going to have another party though.  That much is certain.  Sorry 21 and unders…you are not invited.

I have more to blog about, a lot more,  but will save it for a post where I intend to actually practice my good quality English language skills.  No bother wasting perfectly good writing on a post like this.  🙂  Instead I will leave you with this one last thought:

Why did the wicked witch have ruby red shoes?  Every witch knows it is hard as heck to land your broomstick on the grass in heels without sinking into the lawn and aerating it.  I don’t want to help you with your yard work people.  I just want to wear amazing shoes and enjoy my stylish ride.  Is that too much to ask for?

 

There’s always one…. March 21, 2012

Filed under: My Life as an Army Wife,The Boys — bredlowfamily @ 11:11 pm
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You’ve heard the saying: “there’s one in every family.”  If you haven’t, well, now you can thank me for introducing you to this novel concept.  The premise is that there is someone in every family that does something crazy, great, idiotic, funny, dumb, illegal, etc; hence the reason they say there’s one in every family.  It’s kind of like the six degrees of separation.  You know, the belief that you are somehow connected or linked to someone you don’t know by six connections, or degrees.

Whatever, you’re not reading this for a scholarly lesson – and if you were then I question your upbringing as I rarely have anything worth a scholarly look in here.  Police investigation…well, that might warrant a second look….but scholars…unlikely.

As a parent I want my kids to be known as “the one!”  Not the one that gets in trouble for doing drugs, or the one that cheated on a test.  No, I want them to be known as the smart one, the cute one, the great athlete, the one with the amazing mom.  I really feel like these aren’t lofty dreams to have for them either.    Think of it like this:  when you were dating your spouse how did you know that they were “the one?”  How will girls know when my boys are “the one” for them?

For the most part the boys are on the up and up in this area.  When Trey was little I was known as “Trey’s mom.” That’s not a good thing to be known as.  I prefer to be known as Heidi, but for many years no one knew that’s what my name was.  No, instead I was Trey’s mom.  We moved from one state to another and I thought, “Finally!  Freedom from this label.  When we arrive I will be me again!”  Then I thought, “Free at last, free at last.  Thank God I am free at last!!!”  Yeah, that didn’t last long.  Darn kid.  I was still known as Trey’s mom in our new state too.  Why is this you might ask?  Well, it is because he was “the one.”  The one that cried like a baby whenever left alone, the one that screamed bloody murder when I dropped him off at school.  For 45 minutes straight.  Every day.  For a YEAR!!  I was so glad to move again three years later and finally get my identity back.

The kids have done really well keeping it together.  No more labeling them as “the one.”

That is….until yesterday.

I have one.  Actually, I have THE ONE.  You know, that kid you don’t want your kids hanging around because they clearly have no moral values (OH MY GOSH!!!  I am raising our future president!!!!).  Or that kid with no boundaries and self dignity.  Yeah, I have that one.  I have the one you go home and tell your family about, and not in a good way.  He’s the one that gets used as the example for what not to do for years to come…yes faithful readers, I have the one.  No, make that THE ONE.

Yes, I have the child that mooned his entire first grade class for no reason.

Awesome.  How on earth do you discipline that?  I want to laugh hysterically because that my friends, is funny (and I know which parent he gets this talent from).  Well, it’s funny to me; it wasn’t so funny to his teacher.  😉

I sent him to school this morning and asked him to leave his pants on.  Does every household have to have that conversation before school or is it just mine?